So there :) I have a lot of stories to tell – and a bunch of poetry. There is Chastity and Cypriot still waiting to be put to rest – okay – they’re a sad buncha guys – I don’t wanna plunge my hands in their booty yet! Then, there is this totally daring, all baring story in my head – it sparks off from one of my fav. Songs but then it has ‘the’ element which leaves me and most others dazed, wondering, ‘What the hell was this about really?’ – chuck it. It can wait.

Then there is this assortment of poetry – all so depressing to me – that I don’t want to burden the rest with the plight of existence and the sordid affairs of onerous love and its totally mundane crappings – unrequited pathos – stigma of reality and misconstrued truths and what not.

That definitely can wait.

So I was wondering – what’s wrong with me, really? And the answer, all tall and towering stood bang right in front of my eyes – and sleepy as I am – all day long – even I couldn’t ignore its in bold declaration – ‘You’re trying to your best ability have yourself declared clinically depressed – wait, lemme repeat, you’re ‘trying’ hard.’

So there – and then they tell me that being depressed was the easiest thing some folks could indulge themselves with! Mean treat! Don’t come too easy for me! Bull shit :)

Anyhow – so I figure – what does one do when one wants to feel sort of lifted and un- elevated – and I think – wait a minute dude, it’s not too hard at all. All you need to do is go into the rewind more – that’s the best mode, trust me – unwind all the elevation and slip right down under into the stink pit of basics where you come from – uncork all the past madness and pour it into your cup of sorrow – 1:10 - and freaking drink it all off ;)

I can so hear me – telling them – ‘aww, I’m so so depressed goddamit. Everyone’s outta get me! They’re all ruining my life!!’

They’re not bothered, not really. Infact they don’t even make a pathetic lifeless attempt to life their asses off the bed and turn around to look at me sticking on a chair with my legs propped up on the desk – my face all messed up with pseudo angsty lines and my lips sticking out in a pout and what not.

But wait – there is one of them – truly benign in the present scheme of things – she thinks I still have some hope left – and so she rises like a freakin half naked phoenix from the motley bunch of others – most half nakeds, rolling and groaning on the bed and practically giving the word lethargy, a new mind blowing dimension – she stick her face out of the covers, ‘Babe, obviously – when life expects you to twists it’s balls – what do you think you’re doing, really – by trying to give it a lousy hand job, yea?’

Home run baby!

I snort.

‘You – YOU slavish, pathetic, miserable, double dealing bitch! You’re trying to tell me life is a HE!? What happened to you? Who ate your loyalties?!’ I mumble – not really with much spark. I’m so bored anyway.

She rolls her eyes – finally, someone does that! And I was going blind with all that static buzz. Okay – deaf – whatever!

She looks at me funny. Like I’m totally a goner or something – oh, and she’s even agitated enough to half rise off her amniotic pulp of sticking, entangled bodies of like what – six women on a double bed?!

She takes a moment to perpetuate the look of wonky this-girl’s-such-a-loser admiration on her face – carry on tirade now – ‘OFCOURSE!! Hell yea! Life is a ‘HE’ cant you see – you dope – how else could it suck as hard as it does. Affirmative – life is a freakin man! All sucking and all tiring! And the stupid ones call it a bitch!’ (nasty, all knowing smirk)

ROFL        

Finally, I feel a little alive. I need this action – from time to time – and the only ones who can dispense it are locked in my past. Goddamit – I need my girls back :)

So I tell her, loudly whining, ‘What do I dooo?? I feel fixated? Fuck – this is so intolerable?!’

She winks and wiggles her middle finger at me, ‘Come here ginger, you belong here. Come here – give us a little bit more of the loud and bumbling drama – it becomes you. You stay put with it, yea?.

Full on invitation to whine – roll on and beat my head on the pillow and go irrepressibly abusive on life, man kind, human kind and our life or something like it?! Nifty!

Point taken

Like I was waiting for that one gentle nudge – I slip off the chair – land on the floor – look under the bed for my assortment of tatters that can make me eligible to lie beside the pantheon of Goddesses of the daring baring half nakeds.

Yea. I belong with them. What the hell am I doing here ANYWAY?!

So – I sort of try to kill the angst by trying to recall the madness wrought by the lovelies. Trouble is – if I were to call any of them up and try to start up a conversation – I’m most certain to land in the nether world of the irreparably depressed – with grievous damage done unto my gray cells – or whatever is left of them – because, then I’d realize with a start – with a delicious sprinkling of horror – OMG – so the dratted HE LIFE got to them too!!

What a falling off there was!! Sheessh – I am gonna stick to my remembrances. At least that’s one place where all the heroes and heroines live – stay put, all tall and towering - and never fall – it’s the place of the freakin’ blaze of glory.

I dunno how I’m gonna do this – with my short attention span I aint too sure if I’ll ever come back to talk them off – they’re here for my convenience – to pull me out the D hole. Maybe I’ll just toss around the madness of ‘once upon a time in – well, the paradise of the effete and the self professed dumb chicks…’

There was a girl can Sanju. That’s not her real name anyway. But its rhymes. ROFL. Like anyone’s interested anyway!

So sanju wasn’t a regular inhabitant of the fourth floor - otherwise inhabited by an assortment of grossly interrupted females – ranging from kinky, ousted, brain sick, lazy, tacky, showy, perverse, rabid,  needy, sex starved, homicidal… fanciful, outrageously pretty, humongously ugly, retarded, contemptuous, illegitimately bored, self confessedly sadistic, cutely masochistic… etc etc etc.

I’m cutting the smart traits – they’re so eventual when you’re all or one of the above.

I mean like has one ever seen a sedate sallow, God fearing, law abiding nifty - smart chick?! Height of growin’ delusional I’d say!

So as mad and as diverse they were – there were a common chord running through all of their alcohol infested veins – they were all, well, MAD – and they all smoked like freakin’ chimneys!

So this particular evening – there was just Sanju and me on the floor. It was about nine – which was still half an hour away from curfew time. But then you don’t expect the above brand of girls to start pouring in any time before 11 – which became quite perceptible – that they’ve arrived - owning to the massive bedlam created after a gap of every ten minutes 11 PM onwards when a bellowing Kaka, (that was the owner of the place where we all stayed) began screaming his head off – nice god fearing profanities and the constant bevy of threats to have them stranded outside – their parents called up – or worse, they being thrown out and what not.

Like he could do any of that – he did call up all our mommies and daddies once – even sent secret anonymous letters describing our decadent life styles and perpetrations – but that’s a story for another time.

How we took revenge – is also a story – for another time.

So yea – Sanju and I were alone – the whole floor bore the deserted look of an itch some desert before the freakin sandstorm hit. So we’re just sitting – lounging around – discussing how bored we are because there isn’t real action – its middle of the week – college was never ‘action’ – it was ‘forced consequence’. So we’re just sitting and smoking – on opposite beds on the opposite ends of the room – no care – the door is open – we’re living in a virtual smoke camp and what not.

But who cares. You mess with danger when you want to get screwed. Why change the variables anyway?!

Now – there is something in my head that doesn’t fit – like deep inside my brain – a place where the smoke hasn’t yet wiggled in and caused nicotine infected ‘who cares’ high damage – I am worried. About two things –

1.        Sanju isn’t supposed to be here. Not for the night anyway. Like the weird Kaka and his weirdo rules couldn’t get worse – he didn’t allow friends of the girls putting up in his stink hole to stay over for the night. Now if they did – they paid up – like even for a single day! Now – that – in our eyes was GRAVE injustice – so, invariably – we were housing a fugitive every other night – but it isn’t so nifty when the burden of responsibility is on your OWN shoulders. Sanju wasn’t ‘my’ friend per se. She was – lets call her – Ishita – yea, her best friend – so she was sort of my friend – well, but I didn’t care enough about her to have my ass sawed off because of her! Simple.

2.        Trouble 2 – everyday – before the curfew time – Lady Kaka – that is – Kaki – came on her constable rounds – on all four floors to check if all the femmes were home – safe from the clutches of the outside world infested with dratted homes and perversions of the most breathtaking kind! Now – since we were the infamous ones – her eyes grew more sharp when she peeped in our rooms and sniffed hard – weird conspiracies re: use of nicotine and alcohol consumption by the kids of our floor was doing the rounds of the whole place and had by then reached the rabbit eared Kaki who liked to sprawl in the sun in the afternoons and gossip with the aunties who lived in the rest of the floors! I mean WHICH girl in her right mind ever does that! So totally uncool. Anyway – War of Floors – is another story – sigh – and for another time.

I’m already half way bored of writing this. Duh

So, we’re still sitting there – doing our thing and I’ve barely pushed the fear outta my head when I hear the tell tale thumping on the stairs and I KNOW – freakin I KNOW – the lady nosy constable is here – and Sanju is still billowing smoke out of her nose and the freakin door is open and their cigarette stench’s all over place.

I aint afraid of dyin – but such a miserable death?!

Now – Sanju is a very petite female. Like how should I tell you – less than five feet or something? And she’s like THIN – like really thin but don’t get me wrong – since there is a chance – however improbable that she might read this – and I don’t WANT to offend her – the real sickly looking ones are the most dangerous ones – comes from experience – so, let me insist – that irrespective of her frail physique – she’s got a nice bust – which stands out rather weirdly because she’s so thin anyway. Push up – her only excuse ROFL

I hope she doesn’t read this – at all.

So – we’re both frozen – like in them music videos – like all this invisible ice materializes on us – our mouths in and O – AND you freakin feel so COLD – like unmoving.

But THIS aint no time for drama.

I quickly jump outta the bed and shut the door. Lady Kaki is still nosing in around the other rooms – ours is far back in the end of the floor.

So – I quickly motion at Sanju to please stub the cigarette someplace – anyplace. By now, she’s sufficiently worked up too and is looking around for a place to hide – WTF?! With the cigarette stuck dangerously between her lips.

Lady K is drawing closer. She freakin drags her feet as she walks! Thank God – she does something right.

Okay – now, I fumble for the room freshener and I go SPRAYYYYYYYYYY – I dunno I emptied the whole damn thing that evening or something but I SO didn’t wanna stop.

By such time – the inevitable knock is rapped up.

‘Kholo,’ she’s barking!

Yea right – whaddya wanna see anyway?!

I look at Sanju – like I know what its like to be a deer caught in the headlights – I wanna throttle her for not stubbing the damn cigarette and I have this URGE to never let the room freshener go – EVER.

‘Yea. Ek Minute rukiye, (hang on a minute),’ I tell Lady K.

I have one FULL minute before I have her wrath descending upon me – the room’s like a smoke camp – I’m harboring a fugitive and my Dad just is never in mood to be disturbed after 11 – especially by a mad belligerent Kaka.

I dunno what to do.

Then – I hit upon a plan. It’s the craziest one.

I motion at Sanju to creep under the bed. Okay – we had them beds which stood way high above the floor – personally I HATE high ornamented beds and what not – I like real low beds – the closer to the earth – the better – but this one came like a GIFT :)

So Sanju – still brandishing her cigarette, crawls under the bed and I barely have time to marvel and thank God for her lithe and petite frame – like she crawled under like she was a freakin insect – when I heard Lady K go really mad and itchy outside.

‘Kya kar rahe ho andar? (WTF are you doing inside anyway?)’

I’m like whatever – and I open the door and she barges in – all stiff and sniffing. I pretend like I’ve just changed and I’m freshening the room up and I hit the spray harder all over her nose and her face – smoke lavender baby, ROFL.

She looked at me rather suspiciously. She sniffs harder and parts the curtains.

She walks the room – round circles and goes and stands right next to the bed under which Sanju is hiding.

‘Koi aur tha yahan par? (Someone else here with you, here?)’ she asks me – her nose sticking out and sniffing like it had a life and purpose of its own?!

I look at her funny. Like she’s retarded or something.

‘Hota toh dikhata nahi kya, Kaki – aap bhi kuch bhi bolte ho, (If there was someone, wouldn’t you JUST see them – you’ll say anything or what?)’ I tell her and turn around – BECAUSE – I have just seen something that’s freakin soaked all the will from within me to be alive – anymore.

Right where she stands – Lady K – there is a thin, but perceptible – and definitely smell-able curl of smoke – SMOKE – rising upwards from under the bed.

WTF is the girl doing in there – smoking?!

I don’t look at Lady K – I’m all prepared for her to sniff hard and then buckle back in horror and in slow motion bend low on her knees and peep under the bed ---- and so on and so forth.

But when her hubby prob. Washes his hands after whacking her – she’s most likely not to recognize the smell of cigarette – that was a common joke after that day – besides, I think I did a good job with the room freshener that she, – Lady K – SNIFFED – like real hard – a couple of more times – and walked off totally dissatisfied.

I for one needed to lie on the bed – my head was sick with sweet stench of lavender – I wouldn’t be able to stand its smell for days – and I needed, a, you know what.

ROFL

We lived.

That’s all that matters – finally. Survive. And that’s why I miss them dumb chicks ;) They’re all about surviving :)