How ugly can one get?

These words mill in my brain as I see you lying on the bed; your eyes closed, your lower lip quivering. Your hands rest neatly on your chest, your fingers interlinked. You are lost somewhere, I know.

Just hang on, I’m right behind you.

How ugly can one get?

The words reverberate in my head as I sit here by your bed, my fingers gently strumming the guitar. There’s a song in my head, screaming to be let out, writhing to be put into words, Oh, so beautiful words!

I stare at your beautiful face. I know what you’re thinking. Don’t think I don’t know that you can see me, clearly, from behind your pair of beautiful brown hooded eyes.

‘Don’t you know, sometimes you just don’t need these pair of eyes to see the truth… Oh! You need so much more…’

Don’t think I’ve forgotten. Don’t think I don’t know that you just want me to look away; to look anywhere, but at you. Don’t think I don’t know.

‘Don’t look away. Its only when you look me in the face, right into my eyes, into the very soul of them that you will know that you’re beautiful. Don’t stop me from looking at you. You’re beautiful…’

What do you think you’re doing, running away from me? Don’t you think my arms are where you belong? What do you think that I think?

Where do you think you’re escaping to?

‘When you close your eyes to the pain, the pain surrounds you. Pain, Oh, it’s weak. Stare into the soul of it, right into the bottom. Look at it, face the pain. LOOK at me, FACE me!’

I know you want me to gather you up in my arms. I know you want me to break the silence, the one that you have forced on me. I know you want me to speak… anything, everything. I know you just don’t want me sitting here, strumming miserably at this guitar. I know you want me to say it… I know you want me to sing…

‘Oh! Sing… sing away the pain, the anguish and, the desire… sing it away… let it free you… give the words music… set them free… only words can heal you… sing if you cant speak… anything, everything…’

You know there is so much that my heart wants to say to yours… so much that it wants to sing to you… And you… you wont let me sing… you won’t let me say it… What do you think I don’t know that you’re afraid… that you shrinking within yourself, finding a place to hide… to just vanish into some vacuum so that no one can look at you… see you… I know you’re seeking fear… I know you think it would give you a place to hide…

‘You can’t seek shelter in fear…. You just cant let it control you… you have to speak… fear fears words… put it into words and the fear dies… don’t let the fear help you hide, don’t let it hide you… speak out the fear… expose it…’

The words are buzzing dangerously in my mind. I know any minute they will escape my lips. Then, I know you will scream… you will open your eyes (aren’t they beautiful, always were… brown, liquid, like frozen honey), you will look at me, your beautiful face contorted in pain… I know you will ask me to leave… I know you will say that I mock you… But, I shall sing, still… isn’t that what you have taught me…

‘Don’t ask me to go away… I want to sit here right beside… I want to hold your hand… Sing to me… You’re beautiful… as beautiful as you can be…’

You want to know how beautiful you are… Don’t seek a mirror… look into my eyes. I’m you’re mirror; remember… just as you were mine…

Can I sing… the calling is too strong…

Your heart calls out to me to sing… can I?

‘Hold my hand, tightly… there… does it feel better… yes, sing… now… can you see you, in my eyes… aren’t you beautiful…’

You know I will not listen to you today, first time in three years. Today I will do what I think is best. The roles are reversed Doc, today, I shall heal you…

Hear me Doc, hear me…

‘If you’re ugly I’m ugly too…’

So what if he did this to your face… who ever cared about your face Doc…? You’re beautiful…

‘In your eyes the sky’s a different blue…’

So what if he punched your face, blue and black… he was a lunatic, wasn’t he Doc… Hey Doc, don’t you know the best?

‘If you could see yourself like others do…’

So what if he carved lines on your face with a broken glass bottle… so what if he clawed and dug at your face…

‘You’d wish you were as beautiful as you…’

I wonder if you know that you’re the most beautiful thing on the earth Doc… I wonder if you know…

‘Ugly, Ugly, all of us, just feel like that somedays…’

Remember me Doc, the fallen, departed one… Didn’t they say that I was just hopeless Doc…? That I was all ugly on the inside… Did you believe them Doc?

‘There aint no rainbow in the sky, when you feel U.G.L.Y…’

Remember you told me that I was beautiful… on the inside… Remember you said that you were amazed at how beautiful one can be… I can be…

‘And that’s ugly…’

…and you held my hand and helped me sing… to the fear… to the pain… to hashish, marijuana and heroin… and you showed them that I was beautiful… not ugly like them… that I didn’t need to bear their ugliness… that I could be beautiful… that I was beautiful…

‘So if you’re ugly I’m ugly too…’

Wake up Doc… open your eyes… let me show you… my pretty one…

‘If you’re a nut then I must be a screw…’

Life is a carnival ride Doc… it goes all round and round and round… what you give is what you get Doc… open your eyes Doc… you need some loving…

‘If you could see yourself the way I do…’

Let me hold you Doc… let me sing to you… let me talk to the beautiful person inside you… let me save it from the fear…

‘You’d wish you were as beautiful as you…’

Have I told you lately Doc, that you’re beautiful… Let me hold you…

‘I wish I was as beautiful as you…’

Have I told you lately Doc, that I love you…? Let me love you…

So, you’ve opened your eyes finally. Did you like my song, Doc?

‘Hey’, you call out.

‘Hey beautiful,’ I call back.

You smile.

Your smile’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You touch my hand. I let your touch warm me. Later, I’ll warm you too.

You smile again.

How beautiful can one get?

 *Ugly by Jon Bon Jovi (Destination Anywhere)


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